I miss my blog. I am sorry, my loyal readers, (few of you though you may be) that I haven't been posting regularly. After we got back to town, we were just playing "catch up" and trying to get back to the swing of things. I have a half written post about our trip but it's just not where I am at today, so I will save it for another time. Or maybe delete it. I haven't decided.
I apologize in advance for the religiousity (is that a word? it is now) but lately, I have been struggling with my faith. I recently took a job at our church. I enjoy the job for the most part and I like being more involved with the church. I also really like that it's only a few hours a week so I can still do some full-time mothering. However, since becoming more of a church presence, I have struggled with my faith.
All of my life I have believed in God. Even as a small child from a minimally church going family, I would pray to God, talk to Him, ask for His help. I had a fairly rocky upbringing and I often felt lost and alone, so it was a comfort to me to imagine that someone was there with me in the tough times. However, I wasn't really raised in a church environment. We mostly attended on holidays and for confirmation purposes. Other than that, we slept in on Sundays.
My husband was raised in the church. He went every Sunday and often during the week as well. He was active in the youth programs and even served as a missionary with his parents. When we were first married we rarely attended church and I felt guilty that I was keeping him from such a major force in his life (though he assures me that this wasn't the case). When we moved back to the Midwest and began focusing on building our own family, finding a church went right along with that. Even so, once we found a church where we knew we belonged, our attendance was haphazard at best. Especially after we had a newborn in the house.
Now that I work for the church, our attendance has become more regular, which is wonderful both for us and our Tot. Our church is a friendly place and I am glad to call myself a member. But, I worry that I am not religious enough to call myself a "staff person". I think that when I picture folks who work for the church, I always imagine these confident, gracious, kind individuals who are strong in their faith and secure in their leadership. I don't imagine someone like me who needs tabbies on her bible to find the right sections or wonders sometimes if Bill Maher is right and we are all fooling ourselves in to being better people. That one is the worst. Sometimes I am driving along, listening to the radio and thinking, "What if the Atheists are right? What if we tell ourselves there is a God because we are too afraid of the alternative?" and then I instantly feel terrible and worry that I should NOT be in a leadership position in our church and definitely not ministering to young ones.
I continue to pray for security, for knowledge, for confidence in my beliefs - all the while knowing that if I had the knowledge, I wouldn't need faith. I think of all of the amazing things God has done, all of the prayers He has answered. I remember praying for my son, for my husband, for comfort, for strength. I think of all of the blessings God has given me and all of the challenges He has helped me face. I still worry that I am not "religious enough" or "spiritual enough" or "faithful enough". But I hope, and most of all, I pray that I will get there. In the meantime, I continue to try to walk the path that He would have me walk and learn what I can on the way.