Control

Over the last few weeks, I have been contemplating Lasik surgery. I don't have big problems with my contacts, just tired of the hassle. As luck would have it, we have also jumped back on the infertility train. At the same time. Somehow, yesterday the two objectives converged on each other and it became apparent that one was going to have to take a back burner. No matter how I tried (and believe me, I tried hard - my father in law likes to call this "trying to shove two tons of fertilizer in to a one-ton truck") I couldn't get the eye surgery scheduled around the fertility stuff. And since it's frowned upon to be doped up on drugs and have surgery while pregnant, the timing became a factor. Finally, I had to make a tough decision and after many fervent emails back and forth with my husband and a couple of close friends, I decided to let the Lasik go for now. So what if growing a fetus sucks every drop of moisture out of my body so that I cannot even look at my contacts after about the twelfth week of pregnancy? What does it matter if breast feeding also acts as a giant biological sponge and keeps my hormones out of whack, continuing to prevent me from being able to stroke my vanity by not wearing glasses? Who cares if every pregnant picture reminds me of being in Junior High (right before I started wearing contacts)? At least we would be getting this baby train on the track, right?

Wrong. I was very excited to call my OB and get this ball rolling. Or eggs stimulated. Or whatever. So I called and went over my whole menstrual schedule with the nurse (which isn't so much as a schedule as "my body ovulates whenever the heck it feels like it" but you get the idea). She then informed me that while we could start the Clomid (Hooray!) that I would likely not be able to do the IUI this cycle (wha-?) as my ovulation day would likely be over the weekend (you see how my body is against me?!) She said they would at least bring me in for a sonogram and we could try on our own. You know, because we have been so successful with that so far. Needless to say, I made the appointment as quick as I could and hung up so as to not cry in her ear.* 

I called my husband and cried in his ear instead. He made lots of lovely soothing noises and was very kind and understanding about my disappointment. Of course, I immediately started trying to figure out ways to have the eye surgery instead. He tried to point out to me that it was still not likely to happen but only after several minutes of banging my head against the proverbial wall, did I finally let it go. I found myself gazing upwards and saying "Alright, alright! I get it!"

The thing is - I am not good with feeling out of control. I hate not knowing what will happen next and feeling like there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome. Which I think was the lesson here, and probably the whole point. No matter what I think is going to happen or what I try to schedule, arrange, force, coax in to happening - in the end, it's not up to me. It's God's plan, not mine. I don't get to decide what comes next. He will make that decision for me and whatever it is, it will be the right one. All I can do now is let go. 

* I would just like to note that one of the suckier things about infertility is that you are often dealing with disappointment/bad news at the same time that your hormones are taking a nosedive making you that much less able to cope with what would normally already be very stressful.