The Monster Within

I had this post half written about trying to balance a new job and a home and a toddler, but it's been one of those days where I feel like I am yelling more than speaking and the Tot and I are engaged in another battle of push/pull. Do the Terrible Two's start early? I have spent the day feeling terrible because nothing is going the way it's supposed to and my child is stretching my patience past the breaking point.

I don't even know how days like this start. All I know is I begin by trying to get this wiggly kid changed and dressed and myself showered and dressed so we can do whatever we need to get done and I end up screaming at the top of my lungs because he pushed the (full) diaper pail over or because he slammed the lid of the laptop down on my hand after I asked him repeatedly not to touch the computer. Which results in him crying and me instantly feeling like pond scum and sure that I am psychologically damaging my child or at the very least - hurting his feelings. I think I feel so terrible because I know that he isn't trying to be obstinate in most cases. He's just being a toddler and I am being a jerk. I wish I could have this rational thought process BEFORE I lose my cool and turn into a screaming nut case. Because yelling doesn't help anyone and we both just end up in tears.

I don't have any big conclusion I am working to here. I just wanted to vent about all of my imperfections. I keep praying for increased patience and, more importantly I guess, the ability to stay cool and act rather than always reacting to everything bad that happens.