Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Spot

So, we are officially not "not" trying to get pregnant. Which I guess means that we are trying. Sort of. In a non-committal, half way kind of a way. I wonder if I have just jinxed myself by announcing this to the internets at large? I think the idea behind keeping it casual was supposed to be more of a "if it happens, it happens" kind of approach, to keep us (me) from getting our hopes up. But, of course, there is that little hopeful piece of me that thinks "THIS time it will happen" every month.

Unfortunately, every month so far, I am wrong. I am trying hard not to focus on it because I know that will only make things worse but it's hard to not feel the frustration time after time. The reality is, the only way we became parents the first time was through fertility treatments, so it's more than likely that we will need the same interventions this time around.

Don't get me wrong, we are blessed. I know we are blessed. We already have one beautiful son. He is more amazing than I could ever hope for and he deserves more than I could ever give. There are plenty of people out there in the world who cannot even have one child, much less two. My problem is that I hear these stories all of the time about women who had all of these horrible fertility problems the first time around and then they were pregnant with the second baby without even trying. I was sort of hoping to be one of those miracle stories myself.

The worst part for me is that tiny whisper of "maybe this time" that keeps coming up and refuses to be silenced. Even through the first days of irritability. In spite of the stiff aching back. Regardless of the mild feeling of bloating. Despite the first twinges of cramps. All the way right up until that spot appears when I can no longer ignore the very obvious. And then my glance falls on the calendar, focuses on the next month, and I can hear my mind whispering "maybe next time".

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