She's HERE!

So this happened last Monday:

It was amazing. It was a completely different experience from the first time and still completely unforgettable. I was able to be present for the whole procedure which was unbelievable. It was simultaneously terrifying and breathtaking. Seeing my daughter for the first time is still indescribable. I am determined in the next few weeks to find a way to put my thoughts on paper if only to be able to capture the moment before it is fogged by the process of time.

We are all still in transition mode in this house and that coupled with family visitors has prevented me from having much time to blog. Though I strongly suspect that having two children to wrangle will also be keeping my blog time to a minimum. On the plus side, midnight and 3AM feedings have afforded me the ability to keep up on reading other people's blogs which is better than I could do before. I strongly suspect that my night time periods of consciousness are only going to increase for awhile. It's unfortunate that I can't figure out a way to breastfeed and blog simultaneously.

Peace

It's quiet in our house. It's one of those rare (and I am sure soon to be fleeting) mornings where everyone is asleep except me. I wish I was asleep but my mind was in overdrive after I got up for my nightly pee break and I decided to make the most of it and come downstairs to accomplish whatever I could in order to get a nice nap later. We'll see how that pans out.

Everything is ready to go. My bag is packed, her bag is packed. The car seat is installed. The plans are made. Our last check up is today and my pre-op appointment is Friday. Being the planner that I am, I would think this would help ease some anxiety, but so far it really hasn't. I have been assured by countless friends and strangers that a planned c-section is 1000 times better than an emergency c-section. That I probably will have an effective spinal block. That my recovery will be even better and quicker than last time. Every little anecdote helps, but I don't think I will finally breathe easy until I am on the other side and I have my own anecdote to add to the mix.

I continue to worry about that which is beyond my control. I fret that my son will no longer be an only child and that all the preparation we have been doing with him to try to make this transition an easier one will be useless as he will still feel jealous and usurped by this interloper. I feel anxious that I won't be able to split my time well between the two of them and that no matter what I am doing, I will feel that I am neglecting the other one. I worry that my in-laws staying for two weeks is a really bad idea and that the combination of hormones, sleeplessness, and lack of southern charm (on my end) will cause me to say some really inappropriate "Yankee" type things to my mother-in-law when she starts to get on my nerves.

In the end, all I can do is breathe and pray. Worrying about these issues that are so far out of my control isn't going to help them or make them go away. I have to continually work to remind myself that God is in control. He will guide this process for better or worse and my job is to let him. I read something recently that said worrying about things you cannot control shows a lack of faith and trust in God. It says that you feel you can do a better job steering your life than He can. I know that is not the case and so I have to keep working on giving it over and letting it go. It's a work in progress.

The benefit of experience

One of the great things about a second baby is that I've been here before. This time around I know stuff that I didn't know before. With the first one, at this point in my pregnancy I was just excited to meet the baby. (Actually, at this point in the pregnancy I had already had my baby since he was 2.5 weeks early). I didn't know that I was about to embark on a multitude of sleepless nights. Well, I mean, everyone tells you that but you really have no IDEA how physically tired you will be until you are there. I didn't know that I would feel so emotional about every little thing or be so worried about doing everything "right". Did he eat enough? Is it normal to nurse this long? Am I overfeeding him? Should he be spitting up like that? Should he go through this many diapers? Why doesn't he nap? Why is he crying? Should we call someone?

This time around I have the benefit of experience. I know that nursing is hard and it might suck (no pun intended). I also know that if I can't make a go of it, I am not going to let myself feel like the worst mother ever and that formula is not the devil's nectar. I know that there will be a lot of sleepless nights and that I will want to pull my hair out and there will be times that I feel like I can barely function. But, I also know that those nights pass and sleep does eventually happen. I know that sometime randomly my child will decide that naps are for sissies and that nothing I do is the right way to soothe her. But I know that she will eventually tucker out and allow herself to be calmed and cuddled. 

Best of all, I know what it feels like to hold that new little person in my arms. To smell their hair and feel that warm soft weight on my chest. To hear the little sighs when they sleep and watch them discover the world one tiny piece at a time. "Look! I have hands! They are attached to my body! I can make them move!" So yeah, this time around - I am just excited to meet the baby. 

The Cat is Leaving the Bag

This baby has been named. We had picked a name actually weeks ago and started referring to her by it to "try it out". Somewhere along the line the name we were trying became the actual name and neither of us could think of any alternative on our list that we liked better. We have also been referring to her by name in front of the tot and he knows her name. He calls her "Baby Sister (insert name here)".

But we are not telling people. I don't know why. I guess it's in case we don't stick with that name and decide to change it at the last minute? Or maybe it's because we don't want to hear "Really? THAT'S what you are naming her?" or see anything other than elation from friends and family when we announce her name following her arrival. Or maybe it's just that it's a personal decision and something we want to keep private and just "ours" for as long as possible.

In any case, our very smart toddler has apparently decided it's time to share. Last night, his wise music teacher asked "What is your sister's name going to be?" and he blabbed without hesitation. My husband said she looked to him for confirmation and he was so surprised by the sudden sharing from our son that he didn't know what to say. He ended up awkwardly admitting that yes, that was in fact her name but no, we aren't actually telling anyone. I guess we should have told that to our toddler...

Feels like old times...

Yesterday, I was tired. I had a restless night of sleep and was feeling incapable of managing my kid much less making it through the whole day and then working that evening. So, I cheated a little. I fed the tot breakfast and then I put on Toy Story and dozed on and off while he watched it.

Today I have been blessed by a bout of nostalgia as my little man has been reacquainted with Buzz and Woody. He has asked to play with them, been dragging them around the house and asking to watch the movies again. I watch him playing with them and cuddling them and I can't help but remember a much smaller little guy who dragged his bean bag Buzz every where. A tiny tot who still slept in a crib and insisted that his space ranger pal accompany him.

But one day, before I knew it, Buzz and Woody were relegated to the toy box. They were replaced by a shiny red Lightening McQueen and a Tow Mater. The Toy Story DVDs were no longer requested, instead Cars became our frequent favorite and our go-to distraction. In retrospect, it's all part of growing up. I was no different - Cabbage Patch gave way to Barbie which gave way to CD's and make-up. I know that there will be many toy stages between now and the time that toys become obsolete. But it still felt sad at the time and I could feel myself saying "Already? But he's too little to have grown out of something so soon!"

Imagine my surprise to find that Buzz and Woody movies can still hold his attention. That when we went to the play room, he dug them out of his box and was pleased to see his old friends. It made me smile to know that he still loves his first little friends. That he's really not as big as he seems sometimes. That he's still the same little boy who used to drag them around and say "to infinity and beyond" in that garbled, baby way that only Moms and Dads can understand. Welcome back, Buzz and Woody! You've been missed.

Overwhelmed

We have less than four weeks to meet our new little addition. I am prepared. I have freezer meals made. I have bedding and new clothes laundered. I washed the car seat, washed and reassembled the bassinet and the swing . Sorted through my breast pump apparatus and bought new tubing, shields, membranes and milk storage bottles. I have nursing pads and milk storage bags. All of our bottles, pacifiers and nipples have been washed and sterilized. I have a cleaning service scheduled to do a whole house cleaning the Friday before and I have my pre-op testing scheduled as well. I have the Baby Girl's bag packed and a list of what I need to put in mine.

You would think I'd be feeling pretty confident and relaxed at this point. Not so much. Suddenly I find myself overwhelmed with obligations. I have meetings to attend for the preschool fundraising, school board meetings, regular work responsibilities that have started to bleed into other areas of my calendar because of staff meetings and unexpected projects. The tot has preschool twice weekly but those two free hours two days weekly are already taken up with OB appointments, bible study, and other obligations.

I have been trying to get to this store in town that specializes in slings for baby wearing and even helps you try to figure out what type you like and how to put them on. I congratulated myself for calling the lady yesterday and setting up a consultation during evening hours so that the hubs could watch the kiddo while I am gone. No sooner had I done that than I find two separate emails in my inbox, one trying to schedule a meeting for next Tuesday morning and one for a meeting next Tuesday afternoon. Of course, I already have something scheduled on Tuesday morning and can't possibly meet on a Tuesday afternoon unless I pay a sitter. I felt like crying.

Admittedly, some of it is self inflicted. I have attended a Mom's Bible Study for the last couple of years but only recently did we decide to also join a group bible study at our church. It truly has been a great experience as all of the other couples' also have kids around our kid's age and they get to play together while we have dinner, share fellowship and talk about the study. However, trying to find time to both keep up with the study I am already in as well as read the chapters for this new study feels next to impossible. In addition, I have recently made plans with a new friend for tea and invited a neighbor and her girls over for dinner. Of course, I don't have a free night this week or next week to make them dinner but, for some reason, this was not part of my consideration when I extended the invitation.

I am finding more and more that I am looking forward to the birth of this baby. For the obvious reasons (Yay! A baby! Tiny baby toes and fingers! Lots of pink! My back will stop hurting! My nerve will stop hurting! My heartburn will disappear!) but also because it will force me to slow down. Physically, I will not be able to do very much for a few weeks and will not be able to make plans, attend meetings, agree to obligations that I can't handle. I am hopeful that this breather might help me to reset the clock. Knowing how hard it was with a newborn those first few weeks, I am guessing it will be even harder managing a small baby and a toddler. The positive side to this is that I will only be able to do what absolutely needs to be done and nothing more. I realize much of this time will be spent nursing, sleeping, or reassuring my toddler that he is still my favorite two year old. But, I am also anticipating some clarity from dropping away from the hustle and bustle for awhile. I hope to be able to get some perspective on what things are priorities and what things are just hollow obligations. God always gives you what you need just when you need it - I think this may be one of those times.

Where Have You Been?

I bet you are wondering. Nowhere cool. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I decided to celebrate by getting part of my finger lasered off. No joke. Well, not about the surgery part anyway. I have had a wart for the last 10 years under my fingernail. I have had it burned, chemically peeled, treated with topical ointments, taped, you name it. And it always grows back. My dermatologist finally suggested laser surgery out of frustration. Which is fine, except that I am still pregnant, so not necessarily the ideal candidate for a surgery.

But, I met with a surgeon and he insisted it would be fine and so then I did the necessary "obsessive-complusive" check-ins with my OB who also reassured me that I would be okay and I scheduled surgery. But the only time I could get it done was the day before my birthday. So, Happy Birthday to me - one less wart and one really sore hand. Which is part of the reason no one has heard from me in over two weeks. That and the fact that when I am faced with free time (aka during nap time) I have been faced with tough choices like blogging or sleeping. Sorry, I am weak and I typically choose sleep.

The joyful news is that I am now up and running again. I am still missing a finger nail (ewww - gross!) but the finger doesn't hurt anymore and I can do everything I could do before, including typing. Which has been a great relief given that I still have a two year old to manage in addition to the normal household craziness of laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc.

As for the toddler, he is doing wonderfully. He loves school and I have repeatedly had to drag him out of there when it's time to leave. I am starting to worry the teachers are going to expect an abusive or neglectful home life because of how vehemently he insists on staying to play. Unfortunately, he has just contracted some form of typhoid or bird flu or something and so must be quarantined tomorrow. So far, he has been too sick to make much fuss about it, but I am expecting some negative feedback once it's time to get ready for school in the morning. I can relate as I was looking forward to having 2 hrs of down time with nothing specific planned.

My husband insists the illness is the result of his wellness check-up this past week at the doctor. Something of a germaphobe himself, he is convinced that the waiting area is full of germs as are the exam rooms. I do have to agree that even though our pediatrician's office has a "sick" room, I rarely see people sitting in it but the main lobby is always full. It seems unlikely that all 30 people happen to be there for sports physicals and check-ups and not one has the sniffles. But, I also assume it's the nature of the beast - how can you expect to treat sick people without having sick people in the office, right? Though, I felt the "Mama Bear" rising up in me when the hubs told me he had mentioned something about our son getting sick to the receptionist when he brought him in this morning to get checked out and her response was something like "oh yeah, happens all the time!" Really? Really?!! You aren't going to be even the slightest remorseful or acknowledge that this might be something your office needs to take more care with preventing? Like, for example, strongly encouraging sick patients to sit in the sick room when they check in? Or making them wear masks or something?

In any case, having a sick toddler does provide a few benefits. This afternoon, he woke from a very restless nap crying in discomfort. I sprinted up the stairs and rocked him under his blanket. He was drenched in sweat but his head was cool (Thank you, Lord!) and so I just rocked and rocked with him until he fell asleep. What a wonderful feeling - the weight of that toddler body and the sound of his restful breathing! I could have sat in the rocker all afternoon were it not for his sister kicking me in the bladder and making me have to pee. I also have to point out that the illness has afforded me extra nap time which has translated to extra blog time. My next goal will be to actually go and read up on my friends happenings whom I have missed! Wish me luck.