I wanted to write something funny and witty today. I wanted to blog about a funny Ben moment or a silly mom moment or a sweet husband moment. But I don't have it in me. I don't know why but this whole day has been a struggle. I have continued to fight against a feeling of melancholy that has no real source. Or maybe it does. Because this weekend is when my cycle ends and the next one begins. So this highly emotional feeling of about-to-break might really just be the regularly scheduled hormone surge that comes right before the cramps and the backache. Which means we are back to the drawing board and starting another cycle of IUI.
When I think about the "dog and pony show" that is fertility treatment, I feel a little weary about having to start over. But an IUI compared to something more hardcore like IVF is really not that big of a deal. It took a couple of tries for our first so I fully expect it to take at least a couple for a second. I don't know why I feel so despondent about it. I mean, I knew it was unlikely to be a "once and done" sort of thing. Of course, there is still this 3 year-old girl in me who stomps her feet and shouts "It's not fair! It's not fair!" when she thinks of other womens effortless pregnancies. I still sometimes get frustrated that things can't just happen naturally for us and worse, there is no good reason for why that might be. That we still have to fight and struggle so hard for something that a lot of other people don't even really "try" at. I have to remind myself that I am already blessed with one child which is more than some women ever get.
The thing is that this time seemed perfect. It really seemed like all the stars were lining up for us. The procedure timing was off but then it wasn't. The scheduling was last minute and a sitter seemed unlikely but there she was. So, I guess a tiny whisper of hope started in me that said "It's a sign". And suddenly everything was a sign. Until now, when it's not. And the only real sign is that spot of blood or the two blue lines on the stick.